Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Shape Our Relationships

What is my attachment style?

Many of the ways we think, feel, and relate to others have roots that go much further back than we might realise. Attachment theory helps us understand how our early experiences of care, connection, and safety can shape our emotional world and our relationships in adulthood.

Attachment styles are not labels or diagnoses. They are patterns or learned ways of relating to ourselves and others, and they can change over time. Understanding your attachment style can bring clarity, self-compassion, and a sense that your reactions make sense in the context of your experiences.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles develop in early relationships, usually with caregivers, and are shaped by how safe, supported, and emotionally attuned we felt. These early patterns often carry forward into adult relationships, influencing how we respond to closeness, distance, conflict, and emotional needs.

There are four commonly recognised attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (sometimes called disorganised).

Secure attachment

People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They are able to trust others, express their needs, and cope with conflict without feeling overwhelmed or threatened.

In adulthood, secure attachment often shows up as:

• Feeling worthy of care and connection

• Being able to communicate needs and boundaries

• Trusting others without constant fear of rejection

• Managing emotions without feeling flooded or shut down

Secure attachment doesn’t mean someone never struggles. It means there is an underlying sense of safety in relationships and a belief that connection is generally reliable.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment often develops when care or emotional availability was inconsistent. As a result, closeness can feel deeply important, but also fragile.

In adulthood, anxious attachment may look like:

• Worrying about being rejected or abandoned

• Seeking reassurance frequently

• Feeling sensitive to changes in tone, mood, or distance

• Becoming emotionally overwhelmed in relationships

• Putting others’ needs before your own to maintain connection

Emotionally, this can involve anxiety, self-doubt, and a strong fear of not being “enough.” Relationships may feel intense, and separations, even small ones, can feel very unsettling.

Avoidant attachment

Avoidant attachment often develops when emotional needs were minimised, dismissed, or discouraged. People learn to rely on themselves and keep emotions at a distance.

In adulthood, avoidant attachment may show up as:

• Discomfort with emotional closeness

• A strong need for independence

• Difficulty expressing vulnerability

• Pulling away during conflict or emotional conversations

• Feeling overwhelmed when others rely on you

Emotionally, this can involve shutting down feelings, minimising needs, or feeling trapped when relationships become too close. While independence can be a strength, it can also lead to loneliness or difficulty sustaining intimacy.

Fearful-avoidant (disorganised) attachment

Fearful-avoidant attachment often develops in environments where care was unpredictable, frightening, or unsafe. This creates a push-pull dynamic: wanting closeness but also fearing it.

In adulthood, this may look like:

• Wanting connection but struggling to trust it

• Intense emotions followed by withdrawal

• Difficulty feeling safe in relationships

• Confusion about needs and boundaries

• Fear of being hurt, rejected, or overwhelmed

Emotionally, this style can involve anxiety, shame, and a sense of inner conflict. Relationships can feel destabilising, even when there is genuine care on both sides.

How attachment styles affect feelings and behaviour

Attachment styles influence how we experience emotions and how we respond to stress, conflict, and closeness. They can shape:

• How safe we feel expressing emotions

• How we cope with disagreement

• How we interpret others’ behaviour

• How we relate to ourselves when things go wrong

For example, someone with anxious attachment may interpret distance as rejection, while someone with avoidant attachment may interpret closeness as pressure. These patterns are not conscious choices, they are protective strategies learned early on.

Attachment styles are not fixed

It’s important to know that attachment styles are not permanent. Many people show different attachment patterns in different relationships or at different stages of life. With awareness, reflection, and supportive relationships, attachment patterns can soften and change.

Secure attachment can be developed later in life, sometimes called “earned secure attachment.”

Exploring attachment in counselling

In counselling sessions with me, attachment styles can be explored gently and at your pace. The aim is not to blame caregivers or analyse the past for its own sake, but to understand how earlier experiences may still be influencing present feelings and behaviours.

In therapy, you might explore:

• How you respond to closeness and distance

• What you fear in relationships

• How you manage emotions and needs

• Patterns that keep repeating in your relationships

• How you speak to yourself during emotional moments

Counselling also offers a safe relational space where new experiences of consistency, understanding, and emotional safety can develop. Over time, this can support greater self-trust, emotional regulation, and healthier boundaries.

When attachment patterns feel difficult

Attachment styles only become a problem when they begin to cause distress, limit relationships, or affect self-worth. Therapy can help you notice these patterns without judgement and develop new ways of responding that feel more supportive and balanced.

This might include learning to:

• Recognise emotional triggers

• Soothe anxiety or emotional shutdown

• Communicate needs more clearly

• Tolerate closeness or independence more comfortably

• Develop a kinder relationship with yourself

A compassionate way forward

Understanding attachment is not about pathologising yourself or others. It’s about recognising that the ways you learned to survive and connect made sense at the time.

With insight, compassion, and support, it’s possible to build relationships (with others and with yourself) that feel safer, steadier, and more fulfilling.

If you notice attachment patterns affecting your wellbeing or relationships, I can offer a supportive space to explore these experiences and work towards change at a pace that feels right for you.